August 9th 2022: Antichrist Discovered Cheating at Golf, Surprising None.

“Hello, and welcome to SPR: Natural News. I’m Fox Nightly.

Thank you for joining us on this Tuesday evening. It’s the ninth of August, 2022, and here’s our top story…

We’ve received reports of... I’m sorry… Is that card right? … It IS? … You’re SURE? … Please double check for me, I’d hate to have a story full of misinformation that hasn’t been vetted. You know I- … OH! Great! Yes, thank you very much! I know you take your job as seriously as I do and I’m sure our viewers appreciate your dedication to the truth by checking it repeatedly…

Sorry, everyone, I just had to double check this before we really got into it. It’s a bit hard to believe but… Accord to reports, CONFIRMED reports mind you, the Antichrist has been found… on a golf course… in Florida.

I mean, yeah, okay, Florida makes complete sense… Although I honestly always expected them to be found in Washington DC and- … Why is everyone back there laughing? … Oh boy...

Ahem… We now send you over to our own Ann Chorman, live, on location, just north of Miami, Florida… Ann? … And why are YOU giggling too Ann?”

“Hehehe… Sorry, Fox, it’ll make sense in a moment, I’m sure.”

“We’re all ears, Ann.”

“I know YOU are at least, Fox. Hehe… Very cute ears too! Anywho… This is Ann Chorman, live on location outside of a rather snobby golf course country club.”

“Ann, sorry for the interruption, but there seems to be a LOT of activity behind you? Is all of that related to the discovery of the Antichrist?”

“Why, yes it is, Fox!”

“I suppose religious organizations from all over the world have united to seal the child before he can do any permanent damage and- … Why are you all laughing harder?”

“Well, Fox, ‘child’ is arguably appropriate to describe this individual… but the ‘child’ is in his seventies...”

“Oh good grief… so the laughter makes sense and… wait… was this individual IN DC? Serving? Somewhat recent- aaaand you’re all laughing again… There’s my answer...”

“Sorry, Fox!”

“How did NOBODY catch this BEFORE? There were signs everywhere, literally in some cases.”

“That’s the power of the Antichrist for you, seeding discourse and chaos, Fox.”

“How was this even discovered, Ann?”

“Oh, that’s the even funnier part to it all, Fox!”

“Even funnier than a joke about a man child being the Antichrist turning out to be TRUE?”

“I think so, yes.” 

“Well fill us all in, Ann.”

“I’d rather be getting filled mysel-”

“Ann.”

“I mean there ARE a lot of federal investigators running around here that have been exceedingly helpful. They’re really thorough too. That one SWAT officer was extra dedicated to his duty when he searched me-”

“Ann.”

“I’m just saying, he has supple yet STRONG hands!”

“Ann! The Antichrist!?”

“Oh no, he’s not the Antichrist. His hands were WAY bigger than-”

“Ann… focus on the story please.”

“Oh, right, anywho… This all came about unexpectedly. You see, the individual in question was turned in by a bunch of librarians!”

“Librarians? Ann? Really?”

“Indeedy, Fox! You see, the national archive is VERY thorough with their job. If you want something organized, get librarians. Well, they were doing a record sweep, and found that a large swath of time for documents were missing. They started doing some digging, and a while later they discovered that the individual now known as the Antichrist had taken a truckload of the documents with him when he left office. Against federal law. A big no-no to do with top secret documents.”

“But why would he do such a thing?”

No one really knows why he did it. He certainly wasn’t intending on reading them given his mental capacity… best guess is, again, seeding chaos. That’s kind of the Antichrist’s thing, Fox.”

“So how did that bring about the discovery that he was, in fact, the Antichrist?”

“Well, Fox, a combined task force got and executed a warrant for the property looking for the documents. And, during that search, and as is typical of this economy, they brought in units from other departments to help with the massive search, to cut back on overtime… budgets being what they are and all.”

“Ahhh, I see where this is going, Ann… Members of the special investigative branch took part in the search because they had nothing better to do?”

“That’s arguable, but it is true that special incidences are far fewer in number, so they aren’t AS busy as their other department counterparts. But, in essence, yes. And while they were helping execute the search warrant, a few of the professionals got the willies around him, trusted their instincts, did a couple tests, and had their suspicions confirmed.”

“I’m sure THAT caused a stir, Ann.”

“Yes… but no… not as much as you’d think… see… The big uproar, came from the Antichrist’s supporters that just started pouring in from all over for some reason. I mean, if he was TRYING to hide the fact that he was actually in direct control of his mindless cult, he was doing a pretty bad job of it. The mindless swarm zeroed in on him like bees to their queen.”

“Yeah, that was a pretty dumb move, Ann.”

“Actually, I think that’s why we’ve managed to be okay for so long. Relatively speaking. I don’t know what happened, maybe someone snuck some holy water into his bottle when he was a baby and it did some brain damage, but he’s NOT a smart man now… Everything else in the prophesy's has been true… including the lies… ESPECIALLY the lies!”

“You’re not telling me anything I don’t already know, Ann. I’d go so far as to say he lies more than a rug… if you’d excuse the hyperbole.”

“So many lies… so many… Anywho… His cult members are out here protesting the search. Like… WHO DOES THAT? One of his idiot lawyers went on record complaining about the search, and said that they would have turned over anything that was asked of them. Which, as I’m sure you already know, is another blatant lie. Because he denied he took them in the first place.”

“So, what’s going to happen now that he’s been exposed?”

“Well, that’s the problem, Fox. His cultists are spread pretty wide. Even members of government have been seduced by his dark ways. So, at least for now, the answer is ‘Nothing’.”

“Nothing? Nothing at ALL, Ann?”

“Well, the federal agents that executed the warrant couldn’t comment on what, if anything that they’d found on the property. But said if anything was, that they would proceed from there in their investigation of misappropriation of government classified documents… And as far as the SPECIAL branch of the government, they are being equally secretive. They’ve even gone so far as to give me the old ‘I can’t confirm that they are what they are suspected to be’ line. Although, notably, they didn’t even mention the word ‘deny’ at all… But my extra planner sources inform me that there have been plans for centuries waiting for this day, and they assure me that steps are being taken to prevent any apocalyptic type situations.”

“If that’s true I really wish they’d take a look at the weather around the planet and do something about it already...”

“Ah hah… Good one, Fox! It’s funny… because it’s true… and sad… because it’s true… very sad indeed, Fox.”

“So what’s the plan now, Ann? Going to stick around for a few interviews with the locals, like usual?”

“Actually, no, Fox.”

“No? That’s a first, Ann. Did something come up?”

“Well, Fox, as I’d mentioned, the Antichrist’s cult has shown up in full force. And, as they are all mindless minions incapable of doing anything more than parroting what their master wants them to, I can’t in good conscience have anything to do with them. After all, consent is VERY important, and these idiots aren’t capable of recognizing reality anymore, let along give informed consent for anything. I can only hope their souls are freed from the Antichrist’s bondage and they can once again join the land of the living.”

“That makes perfect sense, Ann. So we’ll see you in the studio soon.”

“Not likely, Fox. The locals are a no go, but there’s a group of Federal agents that have promised to give me a proper education on doing a thorough search… So I’m going to be feeling out that train before heading back to the station.”

“I… See… Well, as always, thanks again for your dedicated work in bringing the truth to the light of day, Ann.”

“My pleasure, Fox! Or, it will be starting in about thirty minutes, so I gotta get ready! This is Ann Chorman, signing off!”

“Well this has certainly been an interesting evening. One for the history books… and religious texts too… Thanks again to our field reporter, Ann Chorman, for her outstanding job of getting to the heart of this story. You heard it here: The Antichrist exists, and he lies and cheats about everything including golf...

That’s it for tonight’s news. Thank you for joining us this evening on SPR Natural News. I’m Fox Nightly. Stay safe, make sure your protective wards are In working order, and good night.”