April 11th 2015: Naked Traffic Jam

 “Hello, and welcome to SPR: Natural News. I'm Fox Nightly.

Thank you for joining us on this Saturday night. It’s the eleventh of April, 2015, and here’s our top story…

We’re receiving reports of naked men running through the streets of-”

“I’m there! Ann Chorman on location in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Yes, Fox, I received word not long ago of this and got here as fast as I could.”

“Wow Ann, you- you really got there fast.”

“Of course, Fox. Who wouldn’t want to cover naked men running in the streets?”

“Well… thank you for your… dedication… Ann. I know you haven’t been there all that long, but what do you know so far about this developing story?”

“Quite a bit, actually. Sadly, the initial reports were a bit off from the facts I uncovered since I got here.”

“How so, Ann?”

“Well, for starters… The extent of the story was a bit… exaggerated… It wasn’t a group of men, as I was so tragically MISINFORMED it was. It was simply a single individual who was running around naked in the streets. And, before you say anything, it wasn't ME! He'd be too exhausted to move, let alone RUN away, if it was... hehe… Police were able to corral and capture him. Before I even got here, actually.”

“Well that certainly is shocking, Ann.”

“Oh, I’m not worried. I didn’t miss anything, apparently. He isn’t exactly cover of GQ material, if you know what I mean.”

“That’s… not what I meant, Ann.”

“Oh, right. Anywho… The homely streaker said he was running away from people who were trying to kill him. He also said the would-be murders are the ones who stole his clothes and were chasing after him. However, and here’s the interesting part… No one was able to see his supposed pursuers….”

“Now that IS interesting, Ann. Could it have been some sort of hex placed on him? Or maybe something more mundane, like mind altering substances?”

“Oh I’ve already solved that. As you already know, and I’m sure many of our viewers do as well, it’s a rather trivial matter for quite a few beings to be completely invisible to the general public. Most can even choose if specific people can see them…”

“Right, Ann, and in some cases, there are a few exceptional individuals that may see them even if they want to be invisible. Is that what happened here?”

“No, Mr. streaker is rather mundane. However, he apparently made a mistake, and that caused this entire situation.”

“What kind of mistake could lead someone to scream about someone trying to murder him while running through traffic naked?”

“Leprechauns, Fox.”

“Leprechauns?”

“That’s right, Fox. I actually found them, and got a chance to talk with them. At least, once I got them to stop laughing. Apparently, the individual in question tried to steal some of their gold. They decided to pull a prank, and snatched his clothes, which was an easy feat considering their magical abilities.”

“Oh, I can see where this is going, Ann.

“Right, Fox. Basically they kept chasing after him, tormenting him, and making the general public think he was a lunatic because he was the only one that could see them chasing him. And, since he did run through the streets in his birthday suit, he’s looking at some time behind bars. Especially since this region’s officials don’t officially recognize the existence of most beings they dub ‘mythological.’ Which is rather sad and closed minded…”

“I whole heartedly agree, Ann. That stance probably won’t change, until there’s enough instances that they can’t ignore the pile on their desk… What about the leprechauns? Did they get their property back?”

“They certainly did, Fox! They had standard ‘return to sender’ enchantments on their gold, so it was returned to the respective pots as soon as it got a certain distance away.”

“And they STILL stripped the guy naked and got him sent to a psychiatric clinic?”

“That’s right, Fox. They aren’t just Leprechauns, they’re South Beach Leprechauns… don’t nobody mess with a South Beach Leprechaun… NOBODY.”

“Oh, yes. I could see how that could have ended VERY badly for him.”

“That’s right, Fox. Anywho, I have more investigating to do and a train to catch!”

“You taking Amtrak back to the studio?”

“What? NO! That’d take forever! What are you talking about? I always fly, you know that… Ann Chorman, signing off!”

“Well, there you have it. That’s tonight’s News. Thank you for joining us on SPR Natural News. I’m Fox Nightly. Stay safe and goodnight.”