April 9th 2015: Sea Monster Attack

 “Hello, and welcome to SPR: Natural News. I'm Fox Nightly.

Thank you for joining us on this Thursday night. It’s the ninth of April, 2015, and here’s our top story…

We’ve heard some troubling reports of some kind of sea monster attacks along the coast. With it being spring break season, there is a large potential for this to lead to many casualties and, potentially, harm to the area’s economy. The reports were both troubling and… vague…

We sent our own field reporter Ann Chorman to investigate… Ann? What have you been able to learn?”

“Thank you Fox. I am Ann Chorman for SPR Natural News. I’m here on the sunny coast, surrounded by sun, surf, and gorgeous college coeds… but all is not well in paradise…”

“That sounds… terrible… tell us, what have you uncovered in your vigorous investigations? … Ann? Hello?”

“Oh, sorry! Shirtless guys, got distracted. Anywho… I’m sorry but I have some rather bad news…”

“Well Ann, that sounds grave indeed… What is it? What has been terrorizing the spring breakers… Krakens?”

“Nope.”

“Sea hags?”

“Nothing so interesting…”

“Uhh Zombies?”

“Oh please, with the number of gamers and otaku in the area that would have been solved in about two seconds…”

“Ann, please focus… What has been causing all the ruckus?”

“A manatee.”

“Wait… what?”

“A manatee. You know, a sea cow? One of the most DOCILE creatures on the entire planet?”

“I don’t understand… Did you mean Mermaid?”

“No. I meant Manatee. Although, for some strange reason people have confused the merfolk with manatees before. I truly don’t see how, they must be drunk or something if-“

“Ann, please focus, how did you come across this information?”

“Oh! That’s easy! You know, I’m not ALL beauty. I did some investigating, you know, like journalists are SUPPOSED to?”

“Play nice Ann. We all know, and very much appreciate, your skills and dedication to journalism.”

“I should hope so! Anywho… I asked around, talked to some of the witnesses, and watched some of the extra footage. I vowed I would NOT rest until I found the secret! … It turns out it… wasn’t that hard… A group of hunky swimmers had been on a boat nearby when the supposed attack had happened. They were more than willing to have a nice looooong conversation with me about it. And, with the prevalence of the selfie culture and social media, it was a given they had a good amount of footage of the girl’s freakout.”

“Of a manatee?”

“Yes. Just a manatee. I even asked some merfolk just to make sure there hadn’t been any pranks played. But no, the silly girl just apparently never saw a manatee before. I mean REALLY… what is WITH the education system in this country? If it had been a dolphin, she’d at least have the excuse of saying it had a fin-“

“Ann, did they say anything else?”

“Hmm. Well. They DID compliment her commitment to her camera and selfie… She had a selfie stick, and was in the middle of trying to take a self-picture or video when it happened. Instead of dropping the stick, and swimming away as fast as she could, she kept hold of it the entire time… Even though she apparently thought she was under attack by some large creature.”

“Well… I guess you have to admire her dedication… if not her priorities. Well, thank you Ann. I know it was a long trip, and we really appreciate you setting the record straight for us.”

“Anytime Fox! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a beach volleyball game to cover! This is Ann Chorman, signing off!”

“Well, this is rather embarrassing. I would like to apologize to everyone for the confusion at the top of the segment. This is why you HAVE to investigate every issue. I can only image how much this could have been blown out of proportion without the proper investigation.

I know some of my… colleagues… at other stations may not have the motivation to check into this issue as far as we have. But here, at SPR Natural News, we take journalistic integrity VERY seriously.

But, now that you have the facts, enjoy your spring break and don’t forget the SPF.

Well, there you have it. That’s tonight’s News. Thank you for joining us on SPR Natural News. I’m Fox Nightly. Stay safe and goodnight.”