April 12th 2015: Strange Blob in Pacific Ocean

 “Hello, and welcome to SPR: Natural News. I'm Fox Nightly.

Thank you for joining us on this Sunday night. It’s the twelfth of April, 2015, and here’s our top story…

Researchers have been studying a strange section of the Pacific Ocean that seems to be much warmer than the surrounding areas. They have been going through a variety of tests and hypothesis, to no avail. But, after bringing in a group of specialists, they believe they have finally cracked the case… Right Ann?”

“Right, Fox! This is Ann Chorman, live and on location in the middle of the Pacific. For as far as the eye can see there are hardworking men who, apparently, have nothing better to do with their time than work out shirtless and maintain their golden tan-“

“Ann, FOCUS. About the hot sea?”

“Oh yes… it’s definitely a sea of hotties…”

“Ann…”

“Oh! Sorry! Right… Anywho… This brave crew has been out here for over a year straight helping with the research effort. After a few specialists were added to the roster, they were able to make some REAL progress!”

“Okay, so, what have they found?”

“Well, Fox, upon arrival the specialists already had a strong hunch of what was causing the issue, but ran a few of their own tests to confirm. It only took them a couple days, and a few buckets, to confirm their suspicions.”

“Buckets?”

“Oh yes. It really seems to like buckets.”

“Wait… ‘it’? Just what’s down there, Ann?”

“A jelly.”

“A jelly? You mean the mindless eats anything kind of creature?”

“Fox, not ALL jellies are the same, and there’s been no proof of their mindlessness. They react to stimuli, and other things and have been, for a long time in fact, declared alive… just because they don’t have a distinguishable anatomy, or nervous system, doesn’t mean they are mindless. Remember, a Starfish doesn’t have a brain either.”

“You’re right, Ann. Point conceded… So what’s so special about this particular jelly?”

“For starters, it’s bigger than some countries…”

“WHAT?!”

“That is not an exaggeration. While they can’t exactly determine its EXACT size, they have a pretty good estimate of its perimeter… and it is certainly colossal.”

“Ann, I must say, you are rather calm considering the situation.”

“Well, Fox, this particular jelly isn’t a direct threat to me, the crew, or the ship. If it was, the ship would have been devoured long ago. No, it seems to have a particular diet… although it does seem to enjoy the random bucket…”

“Ann, you said it wasn’t a ‘direct’ threat? What did you mean by that?”

“Wow Fox, good ear! YES, I did phrase it that way intentionally. After a long discussion with the collective group of researchers, I have learned that the jelly has been rather destructive, without even trying. You see… it’s make up is denser than the surrounding water, and it is highly nonconductive of heat. These traits have caused it to be much warmer than the surrounding water by a mixture of processes… and then retaining that heat for much longer than the water. By unnaturally heating the air passing over, it can be directly attributed to BOTH the heavy droughts on the American West Coast, and the heavy SNOWS that the East Coast experienced this past winter.”

“A JELLY caused all this?! How did it get there? Any theories to that?”

“They have a couple working theories. But, the leading theory is that it was spontaneously created by a mix of toxic waste dumping, and the great trash flotilla in the Pacific. With these unique conditions it seems to be feeding off of the plankton that are able to produce at a rate that is only slightly slower than the jelly’s consumption. This, along with the fact that marine life are avoiding the entire region, mean the jelly’s life is already in the decline. They have already marked the size is decreasing, but had no explanation for that until the specialists arrived and were able to tell them exactly what they were dealing with.”

“It’s dying of starvation? Won’t it just move on?”

“No, Fox. This particular region has been experiencing some strange events with its oceanic streams. That has yet to be explained, top theories include global warming, but nothing concrete. Whatever is causing the flows to change, has made a giant void in the ocean, where things come and collect, and get stuck. Think of the problems with the doldrums for sailors. Instead of having “dead air” they have dead currents to contend with. So the Jelly is stuck here, and it’s already quickly shrinking as it can’t acquire enough nutrition.”

“As sad as that may be for the jelly, it’s probably for the best…

“You’re right, Fox. There’s no telling how much destruction would be unleashed if this made landfall. It could potentially turn into a real life B rated horror movie.”

“Let’s hope NOT, Ann. Thank you for your informational report!”

“My pleasure, Fox. If you’ll excuse me, there are some sailors who are looking forward to an interview… Ann Chorman, signing off!”

 “Well, there you have it, a weather wrecking jelly discovered in the Pacific. That’s tonight’s News. Thank you for joining us on SPR Natural News. I’m Fox Nightly. Stay safe and goodnight.”