April 10th 2015: Mysterious Fires in China

 "Hello, and welcome to SPR: Natural News. I'm Fox Nightly.

Thank you for joining us on this Friday night. It’s the tenth of April, 2015, and here’s our top story…

There are reports of strange fires in the underground of a mountain in China. A special team of investigators have been dispatched. Our own Ann Chorman is on the scene.”

“Thanks Fox. I’m Ann Chorman reporting live from… some Chinese mountain range…”

“Wait, Ann, weren’t you just in Florida yesterday?”

“Yes I was Fox! I still have sand in places that shouldn’t be mentioned on tv… or at least I’m told I’m not supposed to talk about it.”

“Wow Ann, you certainly get around!”

“You say that like you’re surprised. I mean you know I’m- Oh! Wait! You mean hopping halfway around the world? Yeah, I’m really up the frequent flyer miles!”

“Ahem, Ann?”

“Yes Fox?”

“About the mysterious fires?”

“Oh! Yes! Anywho… A sinkhole appeared in the side of the mountain, and hot flames are indeed pouring out of it.”

“Have you been able to locate the source?”

“Well Fox, that’s where things get a little tricky… Similar to our little event yesterday, we have a rather mundane explanation…”

“An inconsiderate smoker throwing their lit butt in a rubbish pile?”

“Actually it’s far more interesting. Looking into the area I discovered that this is an old coal mine. The coal mine itself has caught fire, and apparently HAS been judging from some of the statements from locals.”

“How so?”

“Well… Locals have been saying the ground has been getting warmer for a while… and the sight of black smoke coming from the mountain is pretty common… that is DESPITE the fact that this is a non-volcanic mountain…”

“That’s pretty interesting, Ann. Have you been able to discern what caused it?”

“I believe I have Fox! After consorting- I mean consulting hehe… with a few of these FINE investigators… We’ve come to the conclusion that the ignition source was most likely Salamanders, Fox.”

“Salamanders? How do aquatic lizards connect to underground infernos?”

“Fox! I’m shocked! Not THOSE kinds of salamanders… you know… Birthed in fire, FIRE salamanders?”

“Oh, Right. I apologize… How did they get there though? They aren’t native to that region?”

“THAT’S more like the Fox I know and love! You are absolutely correct. They are NOT native to this region. After some digging, and comparing notes, we realized these may be the same salamanders that went missing during transport some time ago.”

“You mean the RDD delivery fiasco?”

“The one and only, Fox! As I’m sure you already know, Red Dragon Delivery service was utilized to deliver the Salamanders. They were supposed to take them from an alchemist in Japan to a breeding program in Russia, but they went missing in route. It seems that, today, we finally have some answers to that mystery.”

“Well, that’s amazing Ann! Good work! Do you know of any plans to retrieve the Salamanders?”

“That’s where things get a little tricky, Fox. The salamanders have all they need underground and, judging from the spread of the fire, they have their OWN “breeding program” set up. The consensus is they can’t be left here. The damage to the local area will be too severe. The best way to capture them, since the current temperatures are exceeding 700 degrees Celsius, is to put out the fire first. Once the area starts cooling down, the salamanders will wonder out looking for warmer habitation. THAT, my dear Fox, is when they hope to capture the salamanders and their young.”

“That certainly won’t be an easy task! Do they have any plans for extinguishing the fire Ann?”

“They have a few ideas that they are working with. Their primary plan is to shut off the oxygen flow by clogging up some of these vents. They have to be careful though, because they don’t want to hurt the salamanders. As you know, fire salamanders are an endangered species and the loss of even one will be a tragedy.”

“It certainly would be Ann! I’m glad to see the locals are putting such forethought into eco-conservation. Thank you for your hard work and dedication Ann! Stay safe out there!”

“My pleasure, Fox! I mean truly! I’m surrounded by gorgeous firemen as far as the eye can see… I love men in uniform… Ann Chorman, signing off.”

“Well, there you have it… A group of long lost endangered species have been located, and are being rescued as we speak. That’s tonight’s News. Thank you for joining us on SPR Natural News. I’m Fox Nightly. Stay safe and goodnight.”